We all have them
Let me start by saying as a plus size woman I still have them. When I first start going to the gym I was a nervous wreck. I felt like everyone there was in shape, they were all looking at me, and calling me fat, amongst other things. I knew nothing about the equipment and weights and in my head it had to show. I actually felt as if there was a neon sign screaming I’M FAT AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING and every one would point and laugh. All these things are the furthest thing from the truth, while I’m sure If you have been brave enough to admit these insecurities to anyone the have gave you the same fuck ass advice let me break down how I became comfortable.
When I decided it was time to get in the gym I went to the doctor and got weighed (sidebar: WHY!!! Why the fuck must ya’ll know how much I weigh? It ain’t got shit to do with my strep throat!!) That scale said 270 pounds. I KNOW YOU FUCKIN’ LYING! Was my very first thought. I was distraught. I took off my coat, shirt, and hoop earrings (cause hoops are heavy) and NAH scale didn’t bulge. I felt the tears start to brim my eyes but I refused to let them drop. I can honestly say I have no clue what this doctor said because all I could see was that 270 on that digital scale and continued to think HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?
I seen myself gaining the weight especially because I’m an emotional eater, for some reason since no one said anything I thought it was ok, but not really because when it came to being naked an entire new set of insecurities slid through. Sex with the lights on Absolutely not. Getting dressed in front of family or friends AIN’T HAPPENING However I’m 5’10 which is how I think family and friends were allowing me to chill with all this weight but it was time for a change for me.
My introduction to trying to lose weight was drastic (which is why it didn’t stick) My brother is a firefighter as well as a personal trainer BOOM I got everything I need right here NAH he was on some Herbalife shit at the time so I got sucked into that cult with him and his form of training was not for me which lead me to still have gym phobia and still eat horrible. I did figure out that I am less insecure if I am in the gym with someone so I ran with that info about myself. To kick start my weight loss I went on a 21 day juice fast. Absolutely no food just juice for 21 days. I watched the Netflix show Fat Sick N Nearly Dead and it set me off that road. I am sure there are a million trainers, doctors, and articles that will say juice fast are horrible on the body. An they are possibly right but it went well for me an I have no complaints. Next step for me was I knew I needed to get in the gym but I was still scared. I decided I wanted a trainer and I needed her to look like how I want to look and be knowledgeable in comes Cassandra
My first meeting with Cassandra was beautiful. Before we even walked into the middle of the gym we had a conversation. What are my triggers? What’s my goals? Who body image is goals (Serena Williams DUH!!) How are my eating habits? (shit! I’m addicted to sugar) and then she explained the plan we will be weightlifting 3 times a week for an hour. I was scared shitless, but it was something about the knowledge she had and the confidence she had in me that made me at ease and so we started.
For over a year I woke up everyday at 4:00 AM to work out with my trainer. NO CARDIO she didn’t believe in it. She also didn’t believe in my fears and never allowed me to live in them. I explained my how I felt like everyone is staring and she made sure to explain that I was her client and she was staring to make sure my form was proper. I complained EVERY session and she gave no fucks LOL! Cassandra seen what I was made of and what my body could become because she has done it to herself. While I was waking up at 4 am she was an hour into her own damn workout cause she was in the gym at 3!
The more I work out the stronger I become and that beats out all of my gym insecurities. The truth of it all everyone you see in the gym are fighting their own personal wars. From trying to gain weight, lose a lil, impress someone, look amazing naked and the list goes on. If they are serious about their journey they are secretly rooting you own for yours because you both have a common understanding. SO ladies and gents grab your headphones, grab some water, and do work YOU GOT THIS!